THE BIG CLIMB

THE BIG CLIMB
I Climbed it

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I'm a little bit of everything!!

She was Nineteen and she wasn't sure whether she was pregnant. She discussed with a couple of her close friends about feeling lost and suicidal. I was one of them. She felt her drink was spiked by her boyfriend. I went with her to the Doctor. But it wasn't easy.

I talked a lot to myself before that. We knew her mother would be traumatised. Some of our friends got moralistic about her 'character'. I told my mother about it without sharing the name, ofcourse. My mother just said 'Stand by your friend. And please understand that supporting a fellow girl/woman is a challenging task. A woman's character is criticised all the time. So don't worry about that. Just do what you think is right!'. My mother was a Reader in a Girls College.

The Doctor said there was no penetration. My friend was far from pregnant. Teenage fright I realise now, but it wasn't a teeny weeny fright then. The strongest memory even today of that incident is that my friend was extremely embarrassed. She said 'So there was no sex. Will you still think I am a bad girl'.

BAD GIRL!!!

Years later when I attended a Human Rights workshop we did several exercises on gender dynamics & reproductive/sexual health.The goal of one of the exercises was to understand how girls/women are called 'characterless' almost all the time when they try to protect their own interest, or challenge stereotypes. We did a 'slut' exercise. We wrote down the incidents that had made us feel like 'not such a good girl'. My list went somewhat like this-

- When I had my periods at the age of 10.
- When I insisted I would move out of home to work. I was 21.
- When I wanted to watch movies sometimes and not always work.I was 21/22.
- When I moved in with my boyfriend.
- When I married my boyfriend who had a 'Muslim' name & family and my mother gave in to her brother's request that my marriage shouldn't happen in Lucknow.
- When I went back home after my divorce.
- When my child died and some very dear people called me 'reckless' and 'irresponsible'.
- When an ex-partner called me 'aggressive' because I was asking him to articulate his changing position in the relationship.


Post a few heart breaks in my twenties I was feeling miserably fragmented.Incidentally my cousins gave me some persepective. One day, I was trying to explain to my cousins that I am the 'slut' but I am a saint too...

My cousins, one of whom is a psychiatrist and the other, a psychologist work together as a team. They smiled and talked to me about this workshop that they had attended. Bill O' hanlon was the trainer of that workshop and he had played this Meredith Brooks' number for them-

I'm a little bit of everything...All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover

I'm a child, I'm a mother

I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

I do not feel ashamed.

I'm your hell, I'm your dream

I'm nothing in between

You know you wouldn't want it

Any other way.


So take me as I am.

This may mean you'll have

To be a stronger man

Rest assured that when I start

To make you nervous

And I'm going to extremes

Tomorrow I will change

...And today won't mean a thing.


I'm a bitch, I'm a lover

I'm a child, I'm a mother

I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

I do not feel ashamed

I'm your hell, I'm your dream

I'm nothing in between

You know you wouldn't want it

Any other way.

Just when you think

You've got me figured out

The season's already changing.

I think it's cool you do what you do

And don't try to save me


I'm a bitch, I'm a lover

I'm a child, I'm a mother

I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

I do not feel ashamed

I'm your hell, I'm your dream

I'm nothing in between

You know you wouldn't want it

Any other way


I'm a bitch, I'm a tease

I'm a goddess on my knees

When you're hurt, when you suffer

I'm your angel undercover

I've been numbed, I'm revived

Can't say I'm not alive

You know I wouldn't want it

...Any other way.



I am indeed, all of that and more. And I have managed to integrate many bits and pieces. If you call me 'Miss Jealous'
I will raise my hand and say 'Thats me'. If you mutter 'EVOLVED' I'll jump and catch that word too! :)

If I am GOD...'Aham Brahma asmi'...then why would I not be the slut, the bitch, the wife, the divorcee, the holy saint and the goddess all in one!

I'm a little bit of everything!! I am alive. I feel. I think. I react. I meditate. I correct. I don't correct. I grow. And I am Ok!!

8 comments:

  1. Very insightful and interesting. Though, it doesn't apply to me, i love the lyrics of the song, "I'm A Bitch" by Meredith Brooks, it applies to so many people very fittingly!!

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  2. Truely speaking I am never able to understand the difference between moral and non-moral acts. At times I feel how some nerdy people get rights to identify anyone else CHARACTER.
    I belive in living life as it comes and do what you feel like doing the best, of course, you have to remember that your limit ends where next persons nose starts... :) [something similar...he he he]
    The thing which remains with the individuals is their good and bad experiences whihc are the treasure of their life, a self learning step but some people always try to poke their nose in others business and influence their thinking by turning good & bad into moral & non-moral acts.
    The thing, we know as society is noting but a bunch of creepy little people who always failed in thier life in whatever they did and now they can't see anyone striving for new ventures or new heights, new grounds. In short, they can't see others happy so they start judging their acts and try to push them to realize and judge their own acts as moral and non-moral instead of just a personal experiences.
    Sex is one of those KINGSIZE defining act in this society, which everyone does but no-one wants to talk about it. The society runs like this -
    I oogle your girl, but if you do thats immoral.
    Guys can fantasize about girls but if girls do the same is immoral.
    Even choice of sexual orientations is termed by legality in many states.
    You cannot have sex before marriage thats immoral but when I did thats just an experience.
    If a guy had a girl friend thats status, if a girl have a boy friend thats question mark on character.
    Its actually just not the society but the impressions we are getting right from ourchild hoods about the morality tends us to judge every act based on marality and immorality.
    If you are killing someone and you are questioned thats completely understanble but how come these simple things can make any one stand on the other side of the morality and being questioned by everyone.
    Its HYPOCRISY.

    PS - sorry for my english ;)

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  3. You seem to be undergoing a process of introspection these days. I appreciate your honesty and courage in sharing some "bad" incidents of your life. We all have some dark chapters in our lives, some speak about them and earn people's remarks -- which may be lethal at times -- while others prefer to keep them clandestine and remain the goodies.

    What i'm glad about is that despite all confusions you seem to be getting the answers. The last para summed up everything here as well.

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  4. Bhale bhi hum bure bhi hum.
    I am reminded of Mahatma Gandhis My experiment with truth
    Gandhi in brothel,gandhi eating goat meat,gandhi copulating with wife while his father breathed last.
    He comes out as a human contrary to superhuman image.

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  5. you have articulated and given voice to the thoughts of so many many free thinking women. And the honesty with which you have put down your experiences... its just brilliant!

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  6. all of us have an internal world interlaced and weaved with separate parts. it is the linking and integration of these parts which is what defines life for us and consequently our reality. normally, we tend to alienate our 'bad' parts and embrace the 'good' ones - but that is escaping reality...and that is evading truth...when u say and mean that you are a little bit of everything you have done very well in integrating your parts - you have owned up to yourself and have accepted yourself...and you have shared yourself here - that is truth - that is inclusivity...and that is admirable...

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  7. Thank you for sharing this with us - it makes me feel like I'm OK too! :)

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  8. Hey, great writing Rukmini...For me, feeling a slut: When a guy in college used abusive language when he talked to me, when someone I knew saw me buy a pack of cigarretes the first time, when someone commented on the size of my breats. Interestingly enough, the times when you sort of deliberately set off to be a slut dont ,make this list.

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