Tomaye Notun Korey Paabo Boley
Haarai Khoney Khon...
O aamar Bhalo bashar dhon...
In the hope to find you again...
I lose you time and again...
O my most loved and cherished one!
Mulan is my niece.
On the first of February, 2010, My ma passed away right in front of my eyes. Her face distorted in pain. Her eyes wondering what was happening to her. I was mildly tipsy that night. It was a little more than a week to her angioplasty. She was recovering so well. Suvo, Binni, Satya and I had had a few drinks together. There was a poetry reading at Yoda. Poetry and wine. After months. An evening out all by myself may be after years!
But my head was chrystal clear at midnight when Baba said Ma was in pain.
And that night my ma looked at my face. It was a confused expression. She was trying to fathom what was happening to her.She had challenged my decison to have fought for her life a week back. Asking me 'why did you try so hard for me? Why did you make me live?' and I told her 'don't say that. Think about me'. To which she said ' You'll be fine. I am in a lot of pain. I can't continue like this.' It was a surreal conversation. When I told my brother about this he uncannily understood it all. After her death he told me may be she needed to have that chat with us. And I thought may be...she is better off wherever she is!
Such guilt I have lived with. Guilt of having seen my closest, my most cherished person in such deep pain and not been able to do anything. Guilt of being so powerless.Guilt of not having kept the asthma inhaler in the house! She had never had asthma but I had given the inhaler to her a week before when she had had her first attack. Guilt largely of continuing to live after seeing such agony, such loss, such death!
A part of me was dead after Ma left.
My brother called me on the 27th of June and said his wife was in labour. I had not been around a labour room since the time of my own delivery. I had stopped going near a new born last several years. I am not superstitious. I was just in a lot of pain.
But my brother wanted me to come. So I went. With Ma not around I had to hang in there for my father, shweta and Bhai. It was a long labour. I experienced labour vicariously this time! But I kept my eyes open. At one in the night when the docs said the delivery would take time I tried catching a nap. My brother woke me up in a few minutes. They were taking her for a ceasarian.Holy cow! I had gone through a ceasarian too!
So I stood there. My brother and I waited outside the labour room. My brother had waited outside my labour room eleven years back. It was a nightmare for him then! He had carried my little one in his arm!
The nurse came out with a little bundle! Asked us whether we knew the sex of the child. I wasn't bothered. It could be anything till it was alive! We needed that breath of life!
And she was a girl!:):):)..sucking air in...asking for milk...I took her in my arms and looked at her...my little child...my little girl...my ma...my niece...life...
She was my warrior princess! and shweta and my brother named her Mulan!
Mulan is now four months old! We believe that our mother is back!I believe that my daughter is back! I believe that life is beautiful...
and that life is a little girl...:)...called Mulan..called Khuku...called shweta...called titli...called tia...called seher...called jhinuk...called anya...called ria...life is a beautiful little girl...called Mulan!